reflections on christmas

I am such a pagan. My thoughts will probably upset some but I hardly care anymore.

I am not feeling the season. I spent some of my Christmas Eve in front of a headstone. It was more like Halloween than Christmas, except 3 months late.

I'm not going to church. Really, it's all too boring and I'm sick of Christmas music. I choose to curl up at home and watch Dexter. There were some raunchy scenes.

And I can't wait for it to be over. I get a little sick from this season.
I still need a new wallet. I wish Santa would bring me one.

two, three.

Months pass by like clouds pass in the sky. Sometimes the clouds are gray, and sometimes the clouds look all the same. Sometimes you don't see the clouds, and sometimes it's pitch black with thunder in the background.

I still can't believe the gaping hole you left on this Earth. The gaping hole you left in people's hearts. I can't bear to hear the stories, but sometimes I do. I'm writing them down.

I can't help it. It's like every song I hear reminds me of this crap. The memory of you marks everything I do.

Freaking hell.

They don't know. They don't understand. They don't get it.

I wish you'd come back and tell them yourself. They won't believe me, but they'll sure as hell listen to you.

One day.

It seems like the harder I try,
the harder I fall,
and I still fail.
It's like I'm losing.
I'm trying. I'm really trying.
I'm trying everything.
I'm sorry if I fail you.
I'm broken. Extremely broken.
In the end, I'm begging for you to come through.
Because there's nothing left for me to do
but wait for you.

Est Invisible

On ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur.
One can only see with the heart.
L’essential est invisible pour les yeux.
The essential is invisible to the eyes.
Le Petit Prince / The Little Prince

Woman with a Scarf

This is the story of the woman with a yellow scarf.

Medical facilities bring a wide variety of interesting people together. This woman was one of them. I don't know what she was in for. Apparently, her medication made her hallucinate and her son brought her in. She was sitting there and all of a sudden she screams. She pulls off her scarf and throws it to the ground and screams "SNAKE!!" For a second I thought there really was a snake. Then I realized she was screaming at a yellow scarf on the floor. Other people were screaming and the nurse had to calm everyone down. Eventually, they moved her into another room so that she could quiet down.

Hahaha. It's kind of funny if you think about it.

Frozen Clouds

"Icebergs are just frozen clouds that have fallen into the ocean... They're God's ice cubes."

Just thought that was funny.

Seaport

It's hard to explain what this picture means. This is what I saw after my visit with Dr. Alan. It was a windy, summer day. Just me and the summer breeze. The sky felt extra big that day. Was the sky falling? I don't know. I was trying not to be blown away by the wind. I wonder what it will look like next time.